Crap. Crap crap crap.
How the hell did I get back here?
There I was, feeling my power, gaining a foothold on some kind of normality then a week of illness and disappointment and I'm back again slap bang into checking my phone and email all the time, 'just in case'. It was my birthday on Wednesday and I was off sick. He messaged me three times to say happy birthday - I felt like asking if he wanted some kind of medal for remembering. No card though, nothing. He tried to chat to me online (again) but my friends were over so luckily I couldn't and he waited online for about three hours, ha. I hate this. I hate thinking about him and I hate the way my stupid sentimental heart edits the past and shines off the dirt. I missed him so much today I was actually almost sick. I have never been like this, never. What the hell is going on? How can I know so much in my head that everything we had was so wrong and yet still believe with such conviction that somehow it was right? I dont know the lies from the truth anymore, and that is a dangerous place to be with my mindset, newly 34 and looking forward with apprehension to a birthday party on Saturday at which I can only must 10 friends. I mean - 10. Hardly a rave is it. Hardly worth cooking at all! I expect I'll just get wasted and have a big cry and end up getting put to bed early whilst my best mates clear up. Then I'll wake up alone and miss him. Crap.
Wrote this last night:
The Healing
And so it begins.
The healing.
I forget to miss you every moment
I realise I haven’t cried all day
I smile and sing and laugh sometimes
I’m reminded of you and my heart doesn’t break
Friends smile and say I’m coming back
Back to how I used to be
Back to the person who didn’t hate you
Who believed anything was possible
I wake each morning and I’m no longer empty
I no longer wonder why I’m getting up at all
I face my day without resentment
Normality wraps me in its judgeless embrace
The days go on, and then the weeks
I forget to count how long since we talked
I sleep without dreaming
I live without feeling
Over and over I build my walls
But the quiet in me knows me better
Knows there is pain still to be accounted
Patiently it waits for me to stumble
To fall into the abyss once more
I’m running fast so it can’t catch me
So fast I’ve become invisible
My eyes on the road immediately before me
Never looking back
I play the game I know I’m playing
I take my role and smile through each scene
I know this drama, still repeating
Like a bad movie no-one wants to see
Day by day I fight the feeling
Hold the tears inside my cheeks
My heart is sewn in blanket stitches
I keep on buying time
I feel the hope which burns inside me
I cannot tell for good or ill
Wrap up my heart still undecided
And pack away my dreams
But my heart keeps beating
With a longing so loud its all I can hear
And my soul keeps listening
Praying for the love to drive out my fear
In my mind I’m flying
Carving out a new path for my life to take
Whilst inside I’m still learning
Teaching myself with every drop of pain
And so it begins.
The healing.
I wonder if I'll ever be the same again. Scratch that - I know I wont.
Oh and add to that I dont think Sean is talking to me. Marvellous.
Worringly, I am beginning to get used to being this miserable.
27 November, 2009
14 November, 2009
I'm back, and I'm different
I just reread my last post. I cannot believe how appropriate that is - its like I was leaving myself a lifeline. On the 18th April I started a relationship with a man I met on an internet dating site, and on Friday I found out he had been cheating on me with multiple other women. This week my heart and soul have been excruciatingly, numbingly, painfully put through the grinder of realisation that this man is mentally ill and everything I had with him was a lie. I am convinced that I never actually knew him, and I even wonder if there is a real person beneath the web of duplicity and deception he has built for himself. I feel robbed of my power, my awareness, the belief in my own ability to judge others. I am left feeling like a fool, and worrying myself sick about a world where people like him can exist freely and conduct their parasitic lives almost unnoticed. In short, I am broken.
So let me put on record the things I have learned, the alarm bells I will know better next time to take heed of. Let this serve as a checklist for anyone who is venturing into the dangerous world of dating...
1. If you have been seeing him for over a month and you are exclusive, ask to meet his parents, at their house. Get their phone number. If he loves you and respects you he will be happy to do this.
2. If he has a webcam in his bedroom, get away, FAST
3. If he talks about himself and his body a lot, and seems to spend a lot of time thinking about how he looks, ask yourself who he is more interested in, you or him?
4. Ask to look at his phone. Pretend you are interested in the model. Does he ever take calls or texts whilst you are with him? If his phone is always off when he is with you, ask yourself why.
5. If he appears to prefer to wank over you than to have sex with you, LEAVE NOW
6. If he has access to your computer, download an index.det analyser and find out if he has been on any dodgy websites. I found a terrible video on my work laptop this way.
7. If he is constantly paranoid about people walking near him, people seeing his pin, people seeing into his house (my ex kept the curtains closed at all times) ask yourself why.
8. Invite him to check his email when he is with you. If he is shady or secretive about this, ask him why.
9. If you know he looks at porn on the internet, always remember whatever he shared with you is a tiny proportion of what he looks at when he isnt. If you have chance, check his cookies and history and run an index.det program on his machine. Its a real eye opener.
10. Does he have friends? They are people from whom you can learn about him. If he is a 'loner' ask yourself why, when he is witty and fun with you? If he is in his 30s he should have collected some people by now.
11. Does he repeatedly ask you or make jokes about you seeing other men? There is many a true word said in jest and he could be checking on you because he is cheating and is seeing you as having the same mindset as him.
12. If he has difficulty cumming when you have sex, LEAVE HIM NOW. His sexual agenda and appetite is clearly different from yours and I doubt you would want to understand it.
13. If he asks you to change your appearance or to assume specific postures in the bedroom, he has been watching too much porn. If any of his repeated requests are specific, likewise. Do you really want to play the poor imitation of the dirty, desperate for attention sluts he is spending his online time with? You are worth more than that.
14. If he says he loves you after only a few dates, be very suspicious
15. Get to know his siblings. If he doesnt talk to them, be wary.
16. Call him when he isnt expecting it. Only accept 'no signal'/'flat battery'/'charging in another room' excuses three times if he doesnt answer.
17. Do you know where he is, really? Check up on him at least once when he is at a regular haunt. If he loves you he will be pleased when you turn up at his local where he is out for a quiet drink with a 'mate'/at a comedy club/at his parents house.
18. Check his facebook. If it is sparse and there are no photos, if he detags everything you and your friends put on and if he hides his activity on there, ask yourself what he is hiding. It is ok for him to be a private person, but if he loves you he should open up his life to you.
19. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. KEEP A NOTE OF TIMES YOU FELT WIERD ABOUT SOMETHING HE DID OR SAID. IF THE VOICE OF DOUBT SPEAKS TO YOU, TURN DETECTIVE. If he loves you, he will understand. Give a limited number of chances, and keep a written record to remind you.
20. Listen to your friends. They probably know you better than you know you, and their intuitions wont be blinded by the emotions you are feeling. Ask them to be honest, you will thank them later even if you fall out with them now.
21. Check www.dontdatethisguy.com if you suspect anything.
22. If you met on a dating site, put his username in google in speech marks. If you get a hit, casually ask him if he has ever used other sites. If he lies, leave.
These are the lessons I have learned. I refuse to let him take away my trust and I refuse to change my worldview because of him, but now I know how to protect myself better from this kind of hurt. My mantras are:
1. I am a better person than he is
2. I am a stronger person than he is
3. I refuse to let him change me
4. I derserve better
5. My love will draw more love to me, I will continue to love
Every day now I get up and I give myself a long hard look in the mirror. I entreat myself to love and to allow myself to be loved. I say a prayer of thanks for the people in my life and I tell myself that every day, in every way things are getting better.
Every moment I am thankful that I got free.
x
So let me put on record the things I have learned, the alarm bells I will know better next time to take heed of. Let this serve as a checklist for anyone who is venturing into the dangerous world of dating...
1. If you have been seeing him for over a month and you are exclusive, ask to meet his parents, at their house. Get their phone number. If he loves you and respects you he will be happy to do this.
2. If he has a webcam in his bedroom, get away, FAST
3. If he talks about himself and his body a lot, and seems to spend a lot of time thinking about how he looks, ask yourself who he is more interested in, you or him?
4. Ask to look at his phone. Pretend you are interested in the model. Does he ever take calls or texts whilst you are with him? If his phone is always off when he is with you, ask yourself why.
5. If he appears to prefer to wank over you than to have sex with you, LEAVE NOW
6. If he has access to your computer, download an index.det analyser and find out if he has been on any dodgy websites. I found a terrible video on my work laptop this way.
7. If he is constantly paranoid about people walking near him, people seeing his pin, people seeing into his house (my ex kept the curtains closed at all times) ask yourself why.
8. Invite him to check his email when he is with you. If he is shady or secretive about this, ask him why.
9. If you know he looks at porn on the internet, always remember whatever he shared with you is a tiny proportion of what he looks at when he isnt. If you have chance, check his cookies and history and run an index.det program on his machine. Its a real eye opener.
10. Does he have friends? They are people from whom you can learn about him. If he is a 'loner' ask yourself why, when he is witty and fun with you? If he is in his 30s he should have collected some people by now.
11. Does he repeatedly ask you or make jokes about you seeing other men? There is many a true word said in jest and he could be checking on you because he is cheating and is seeing you as having the same mindset as him.
12. If he has difficulty cumming when you have sex, LEAVE HIM NOW. His sexual agenda and appetite is clearly different from yours and I doubt you would want to understand it.
13. If he asks you to change your appearance or to assume specific postures in the bedroom, he has been watching too much porn. If any of his repeated requests are specific, likewise. Do you really want to play the poor imitation of the dirty, desperate for attention sluts he is spending his online time with? You are worth more than that.
14. If he says he loves you after only a few dates, be very suspicious
15. Get to know his siblings. If he doesnt talk to them, be wary.
16. Call him when he isnt expecting it. Only accept 'no signal'/'flat battery'/'charging in another room' excuses three times if he doesnt answer.
17. Do you know where he is, really? Check up on him at least once when he is at a regular haunt. If he loves you he will be pleased when you turn up at his local where he is out for a quiet drink with a 'mate'/at a comedy club/at his parents house.
18. Check his facebook. If it is sparse and there are no photos, if he detags everything you and your friends put on and if he hides his activity on there, ask yourself what he is hiding. It is ok for him to be a private person, but if he loves you he should open up his life to you.
19. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. KEEP A NOTE OF TIMES YOU FELT WIERD ABOUT SOMETHING HE DID OR SAID. IF THE VOICE OF DOUBT SPEAKS TO YOU, TURN DETECTIVE. If he loves you, he will understand. Give a limited number of chances, and keep a written record to remind you.
20. Listen to your friends. They probably know you better than you know you, and their intuitions wont be blinded by the emotions you are feeling. Ask them to be honest, you will thank them later even if you fall out with them now.
21. Check www.dontdatethisguy.com if you suspect anything.
22. If you met on a dating site, put his username in google in speech marks. If you get a hit, casually ask him if he has ever used other sites. If he lies, leave.
These are the lessons I have learned. I refuse to let him take away my trust and I refuse to change my worldview because of him, but now I know how to protect myself better from this kind of hurt. My mantras are:
1. I am a better person than he is
2. I am a stronger person than he is
3. I refuse to let him change me
4. I derserve better
5. My love will draw more love to me, I will continue to love
Every day now I get up and I give myself a long hard look in the mirror. I entreat myself to love and to allow myself to be loved. I say a prayer of thanks for the people in my life and I tell myself that every day, in every way things are getting better.
Every moment I am thankful that I got free.
x
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