What is going on?

Crap. Crap crap crap.
How the hell did I get back here?
There I was, feeling my power, gaining a foothold on some kind of normality then a week of illness and disappointment and I'm back again slap bang into checking my phone and email all the time, 'just in case'. It was my birthday on Wednesday and I was off sick. He messaged me three times to say happy birthday - I felt like asking if he wanted some kind of medal for remembering. No card though, nothing. He tried to chat to me online (again) but my friends were over so luckily I couldn't and he waited online for about three hours, ha. I hate this. I hate thinking about him and I hate the way my stupid sentimental heart edits the past and shines off the dirt. I missed him so much today I was actually almost sick. I have never been like this, never. What the hell is going on? How can I know so much in my head that everything we had was so wrong and yet still believe with such conviction that somehow it was right? I dont know the lies from the truth anymore, and that is a dangerous place to be with my mindset, newly 34 and looking forward with apprehension to a birthday party on Saturday at which I can only must 10 friends. I mean - 10. Hardly a rave is it. Hardly worth cooking at all! I expect I'll just get wasted and have a big cry and end up getting put to bed early whilst my best mates clear up. Then I'll wake up alone and miss him. Crap.

Wrote this last night:
The Healing

And so it begins.
The healing.

I forget to miss you every moment
I realise I haven’t cried all day
I smile and sing and laugh sometimes
I’m reminded of you and my heart doesn’t break

Friends smile and say I’m coming back
Back to how I used to be
Back to the person who didn’t hate you
Who believed anything was possible

I wake each morning and I’m no longer empty
I no longer wonder why I’m getting up at all
I face my day without resentment
Normality wraps me in its judgeless embrace

The days go on, and then the weeks
I forget to count how long since we talked
I sleep without dreaming
I live without feeling
Over and over I build my walls

But the quiet in me knows me better
Knows there is pain still to be accounted
Patiently it waits for me to stumble
To fall into the abyss once more

I’m running fast so it can’t catch me
So fast I’ve become invisible
My eyes on the road immediately before me
Never looking back

I play the game I know I’m playing
I take my role and smile through each scene
I know this drama, still repeating
Like a bad movie no-one wants to see


Day by day I fight the feeling
Hold the tears inside my cheeks
My heart is sewn in blanket stitches
I keep on buying time

I feel the hope which burns inside me
I cannot tell for good or ill
Wrap up my heart still undecided
And pack away my dreams

But my heart keeps beating
With a longing so loud its all I can hear
And my soul keeps listening
Praying for the love to drive out my fear
In my mind I’m flying
Carving out a new path for my life to take
Whilst inside I’m still learning
Teaching myself with every drop of pain

And so it begins.
The healing.

I wonder if I'll ever be the same again. Scratch that - I know I wont.
Oh and add to that I dont think Sean is talking to me. Marvellous.
Worringly, I am beginning to get used to being this miserable.

I'm back, and I'm different

I just reread my last post. I cannot believe how appropriate that is - its like I was leaving myself a lifeline. On the 18th April I started a relationship with a man I met on an internet dating site, and on Friday I found out he had been cheating on me with multiple other women. This week my heart and soul have been excruciatingly, numbingly, painfully put through the grinder of realisation that this man is mentally ill and everything I had with him was a lie. I am convinced that I never actually knew him, and I even wonder if there is a real person beneath the web of duplicity and deception he has built for himself. I feel robbed of my power, my awareness, the belief in my own ability to judge others. I am left feeling like a fool, and worrying myself sick about a world where people like him can exist freely and conduct their parasitic lives almost unnoticed. In short, I am broken.

So let me put on record the things I have learned, the alarm bells I will know better next time to take heed of. Let this serve as a checklist for anyone who is venturing into the dangerous world of dating...

1. If you have been seeing him for over a month and you are exclusive, ask to meet his parents, at their house. Get their phone number. If he loves you and respects you he will be happy to do this.

2. If he has a webcam in his bedroom, get away, FAST

3. If he talks about himself and his body a lot, and seems to spend a lot of time thinking about how he looks, ask yourself who he is more interested in, you or him?

4. Ask to look at his phone. Pretend you are interested in the model. Does he ever take calls or texts whilst you are with him? If his phone is always off when he is with you, ask yourself why.

5. If he appears to prefer to wank over you than to have sex with you, LEAVE NOW

6. If he has access to your computer, download an index.det analyser and find out if he has been on any dodgy websites. I found a terrible video on my work laptop this way.

7. If he is constantly paranoid about people walking near him, people seeing his pin, people seeing into his house (my ex kept the curtains closed at all times) ask yourself why.

8. Invite him to check his email when he is with you. If he is shady or secretive about this, ask him why.

9. If you know he looks at porn on the internet, always remember whatever he shared with you is a tiny proportion of what he looks at when he isnt. If you have chance, check his cookies and history and run an index.det program on his machine. Its a real eye opener.

10. Does he have friends? They are people from whom you can learn about him. If he is a 'loner' ask yourself why, when he is witty and fun with you? If he is in his 30s he should have collected some people by now.

11. Does he repeatedly ask you or make jokes about you seeing other men? There is many a true word said in jest and he could be checking on you because he is cheating and is seeing you as having the same mindset as him.

12. If he has difficulty cumming when you have sex, LEAVE HIM NOW. His sexual agenda and appetite is clearly different from yours and I doubt you would want to understand it.

13. If he asks you to change your appearance or to assume specific postures in the bedroom, he has been watching too much porn. If any of his repeated requests are specific, likewise. Do you really want to play the poor imitation of the dirty, desperate for attention sluts he is spending his online time with? You are worth more than that.

14. If he says he loves you after only a few dates, be very suspicious

15. Get to know his siblings. If he doesnt talk to them, be wary.

16. Call him when he isnt expecting it. Only accept 'no signal'/'flat battery'/'charging in another room' excuses three times if he doesnt answer.

17. Do you know where he is, really? Check up on him at least once when he is at a regular haunt. If he loves you he will be pleased when you turn up at his local where he is out for a quiet drink with a 'mate'/at a comedy club/at his parents house.

18. Check his facebook. If it is sparse and there are no photos, if he detags everything you and your friends put on and if he hides his activity on there, ask yourself what he is hiding. It is ok for him to be a private person, but if he loves you he should open up his life to you.

19. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. KEEP A NOTE OF TIMES YOU FELT WIERD ABOUT SOMETHING HE DID OR SAID. IF THE VOICE OF DOUBT SPEAKS TO YOU, TURN DETECTIVE. If he loves you, he will understand. Give a limited number of chances, and keep a written record to remind you.

20. Listen to your friends. They probably know you better than you know you, and their intuitions wont be blinded by the emotions you are feeling. Ask them to be honest, you will thank them later even if you fall out with them now.

21. Check www.dontdatethisguy.com if you suspect anything.

22. If you met on a dating site, put his username in google in speech marks. If you get a hit, casually ask him if he has ever used other sites. If he lies, leave.

These are the lessons I have learned. I refuse to let him take away my trust and I refuse to change my worldview because of him, but now I know how to protect myself better from this kind of hurt. My mantras are:

1. I am a better person than he is
2. I am a stronger person than he is
3. I refuse to let him change me
4. I derserve better
5. My love will draw more love to me, I will continue to love

Every day now I get up and I give myself a long hard look in the mirror. I entreat myself to love and to allow myself to be loved. I say a prayer of thanks for the people in my life and I tell myself that every day, in every way things are getting better.

Every moment I am thankful that I got free.
x

After a day full of highs...

Here come the lows. Doubt is a strange thing, and whenever we put ourselves out there, which lets face it we need to do more of if we are to live fully, we make room for doubt to seed itself in our minds. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and right now I am feeling the other side of the emotional coin. Probably its tiredness, possibly its because of what I have put my senses through today and definitely its because of the emotional noise going on in my life right now. So how am I feeling? Melancholic - intermittently. Sad - sometimes. Weary - often, and recently, though I hate to admit it, a touch lonely. Over the last year I have mounted a campaign in my life to love more, to be more present in the lives of those I care about, to forgive others (and importantly, myself) to always see the good, and to remain positive at all times. And it has been great - but just like the rollercoasters I have ridden today there has to be some down for all the ups. In opening up and presenting my soul without agenda I suddenly feel extremely vulnerable and I am second guessing the people I love because there is still a voice in my head telling me all that I trust and believe in could easily be a house of cards. A simple and meaningless act, word or even omission sends me into a tailspin of self-depreciation because try as I might, I have been unable to change my default feeling about myself, and when I am challenged it is just too easy, too familiar to jump back into my old mindset. I try not to feel hurt, but hurt is hurt no matter the intention, and my old behaviours act like a magnifying glass, blowing everything up so much that suddenly I cant see the wood for the trees. Then after the doubt, that acorn which threatens to spawn a mighty oak, there comes the worry. Worry about the future, about the past, about the present. Worry about how I feel, who I am, what I want, even what I stand for. Worry that I've got it all wrong. Worry that I care in vain. Worry that what I see as progress is actually illusion. Worry that I am walking a road which will lead to emptiness. Worry that actually everyone in the room of my life is waiting for this dull party to be over so they can leave, one by one.

It is difficult to know people, even harder to really trust them, and I suppose that is where faith comes in. I'm beginning to believe that actually faith is all we can ever have, since the only reality is perception. I even wonder if faith actually creates perception, and thus our reality. So the real question I should be asking myself is what, or who do I actually believe in? Aside from wondering why I feel the need to audit, almost spring clean my emotions, I can't help wishing I knew more. The rational side of me wishes I could open people up and see what they are thinking, but the truth is that hearts and souls are far from rational entities. The thoughts and feelings of others wax and wane like emotional tides, and just like the shoreline the shapes of our relationships evolve slowly, grain by grain. This is the wheel of life and there is no escaping it. My own emotions are clearly no exception, and the fear arises when I can't see the reciprocity - when my tide is in whilst others' are out. I don't feel jealousy, but I worry that I will. Gradually as the sand shifts and my position changes there is a sense of mild panic that at some point I will really have to move, reevaluate, even start all over. Back to the emotional house of cards. I see the process and I understand that I am helpless to stop it. It seems the best that I can do is enjoy every moment for just what it is, whilst continuing to be exactly who I am being. I am not a constant and so I should not hope and wish for others to be either. So I must keep walking, and stay on the path I know to be mine, regardless of who walks beside, who arrives, who leaves, who stays, who places a handprint on my heart. I used to think that relationships which are no longer in existence were like loose ends - now I am beginning to see that they are the very threads from which the tapestry of my life is woven. I am proud and blessed that when I look back, most of what I see is truly beautiful, as long as I choose to judge it so. The trick is applying this to the future, as incomplete and unmapped as it is. I must choose to believe that whatever I keep, whatever I lose, I will go on creating and I will call it beautiful simply because it is mine.

xxx

Here we go again...

Well I know I am still moving, still growing, still learning and enjoying the ride exactly as it is - but in some ways I feel like I am going backwards. There is still a wedding packed away in my cupboard that I have not yet had the strength to deal with, and suddenly a good friend of mine is planning a very similar day to the one we were going to have. I don't regret not going through with it, not for one minute, but sentimentality remains nonetheless. It's like people leave their mark on you, and nostalgia has a way of warming the memories and making you appreciate those moments much more than they ever really deserved. I actually tried my outfit on the other day, and I was fine until I found an old birthday card where my ex called me princess. I have no memory of that, none. It's strange how powerful a filter perspective can be. There I was, sat on the floor in my hallway, weeping as I wonder how love gets so wasted. Feeling all of a sudden that maybe I don't know myself at all if I am the kind of person who is capable of rejecting such love, not once, but time and time again. It's easy to feed yourself the lies about how it wasn't good enough and how it was their fault, but deep down you know that you have to take responsibility at some point for the hurt you have allowed yourself to be a part of, that you have caused, even. So here I am, holding myself up to the light and trying to forgive what I see within. I am left wondering if I can believe myself when I say how happy I am and how I don't want another relationship. I am second guessing my rock-solid ideas about my future and the way I am 'built'. I am wondering if actually I am making all the same mistakes again and just viewing it all with rose coloured glasses.

Then I remember. I remember that there is no reality, only perception. I remember that the past doesn't exist and there is only the now. I remember that I am who I am being, not who I have been and that the past has no hold on me. I remember that I make the weather in my life and I open my eyes to the love which is all around me. I thank the stars for the incredible people in my life and the ways in which they show me every day, moment by moment how to live more, to give more, to love more. I remember that loneliness is an illusion and that by letting myself feel it, try it on for a moment I have given myself the means to see through it and walk on.

I smile and my heart is once again filled with love.
xxx

And so it goes...

I shouldn't be doing this because I have a million 'real-world' things that I should be doing right now, but sometimes you just know that life has to come first. Off the back of another alcohol-fuelled haze of a weekend I feel emotionally wrung dry. Literally - I have wanted to cry so badly over the last few days but my heart just wont let go becuase I have so many other important things to do. Even when I did cry a little on Sunday it was measured somehow, and I felt unsatisfied. Its like I didn't want to give in to it because I have no reason to be sad, I mean my life is going well and I am happier than ever, so what is this feeling? I can't work out if its my ego's desire for drama or if its just part of the natural ebb and flow as I process what is happening in and around me. I'm convinced I don't need to cry because I am not unhappy, but still there is this need to feel it, to let something in so I can pass through it. I just wish I could know what it is.

I wrote a poem last night, well I should say very early this morning. It's strange how your perception changes, sometimes very quickly. The wheels turn and I recalibrate my heart time and time again. The principles I stick to remain firm: I will not give in to fear, I will not restrict my love, I will not let myself doubt in my own magnificence. I know that sounds a bit arrogant but it really isn't - by seeing my true self as wonderful I find the strength to put what it is that I am out there into the world day after day without fear. It seems that finally all my hard work is paying off - people are complimenting me all the time and I feel everything so much more. The lows are not so low and the highs are, well, incredible. I feel blessed in everything I do, and it feels like I have found my path. Sometimes my heart is so full I feel like I could burst. I cannot believe I waited so long to let myself feel this. I feel almost reborn.

xxx

What's it all about?

The more I live, the more I learn and the less I worry.
Worry is the work of the ego. It is never constructive and often creates drama where there should be calm contemplation. I am learning every day about what it is to be human and to live amongst the world.

Someone who knows me said they loved me today, just at random as I passed by. I have to admit, it was a shock, not because I thought it was out of place, inappropriate or even untrue, but simply because people don't say it, at least not often. Love has become relegated to rosy words on cardboard which we send once a year. Love has a bad press, we say it hurts, it never runs smooth, it takes work. It's almost as if we have elevated it to such a status that we all feel unworthy of it and are suspicious of people who claim to feel it or understand it.

I think the problem is not love, but our definition of what love is that is the problem.

The word love tends to be only applied to romantic relationships, and in the context of a relationship with one person. I believe that by doing this we not only restrict our ideas about love, but we shackle it and miss its true majesty. What others call love I would call 'specialness'. Our egos thrive on specialness, on exclusion. In other words we feel better about ourselves, and it numbs the pain we feel if we can believe, even for a moment, that someone out there is raising us up above other people because we are somehow more special to them. But the act of doing so, by definition, puts others down. The love I believe in would never do that. We are substituting this singling out for the true feeling of love because it seems to be the only way to assuage our insecurities. Worse still, this idea of love leaves us open to fear - fear that it isn't real, fear that we will lose it somehow, fear that we are not worthy of it, fear that we will end up alone, and without love. We seem to relish in the self-deprecation which this idea perpetuates, and our egos feed off it. The problem with that is that as our ego grows, our true self loses focus and our perception of it is increasingly diminished.

So let's start again with our definition of love.
Let's reclaim the word and redefine what true love is.

Love:
- never favours any one person over another, it is INclusive rather than EXclusive
- is forgetful of the mistakes of others and it gives us the power to truly forgive
- is freedom, it never restricts but blesses what it sees
- is for everyone, in every situation, everywhere
- sees through the ego, cuts through fear and sees only the true self
- is the ultimate healer of our pain

If we are to heal ourselves, our nations, our world, we must start with our own hearts.
We must shift the focus. Instead of seeking perpetually to 'get' or be given love, we must learn to give it, at all times and in all circumstances. Only then will we start to truly understand our place in this world, and the love we give will be returned to us, multiplied beyond our wildest imaginings.

Think about it. What does love mean to you?

The place I find myself in...

I love my house. I mean, I'm not exactly house-proud (my untidiness is in fact, legendary) but I love my house because I chose it or it chose me and I'm not sure whether it matters which. It's not perfect, I mean it will be beautiful just as soon as I finish redecorating and improving it, but its getting there, but that isn't why I love it. I love it because it represents freedom, independence and security. I love it because I close the door to the world and it feels like home. I love it because it came along just at the moment I needed it (funny story actually, I was originally buying the house two doors down!) and it cradled me whilst I licked my wounds. We've been growing together ever since. When I look at my freshly painted walls, the woodwork I sanded, the furniture I chose I can start to believe that the beauty I have created on the outside is a reflection of the beauty inside me. I'm no interior designer but I believe in doing a job properly, and that means no papering over the cracks. It means making a mess before you can tidy up, making things worse before they can be improved. I suppose my home is really a metaphor for my soul.

I sleep alone. I used to hate it. Given the choice I would sleep with someone else any time! I don't mean that in a fruity way (!) but I love to feel the presence of another human being when I sleep. Ask any of my boyfriends - they will tell you that I like contact, even if its just a hand on someone's back. I think I've always been fearful of the night time, going back to being quite ill as a child and waking up having difficulty breathing. I have vivid memories calling out in the night because I was having an attack, and of sleeping back to back with my mother, and feeling safe there. As an adult I'm not afraid of being on my own in the night, but intuitively I feel that when I sleep I am vulnerable because I am leaving this plane of consciousness. I guess I feel comforted when there is someone to be there when I return from this journey. I love the warmth of skin to skin contact. I love to hear someone breathing next to me in the night. I have always thought that sleeping alongside another person is almost as deep a kind of intimacy as sex, since when we sleep we are totally defenceless and totally trusting. I feel privileged when anyone shares that with me. When I get to sleep with someone who I am sharing an intimate relationship that feeling is greatly magnified, and I seem to truly be able to relax and let go. I miss that now I sleep alone.

I decided the other day that I would take stock of my relationships with men by making the kind of list that Carrie makes in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Here it is:

1. My first. It was 1997 and I was 21. I will never forget him and I have never regretted choosing him. Sweet, kind, gentle, like an angel. I have never felt more beautiful or emotionally excited. From a sexual point of view though, in retropect, not so great! The first man to ever call me 'beautiful' and I loved him.

2. The largest penis I have ever (and possibly will ever) see. Scarily big. Gave amazing oral (my first experience of that, therefore possibly tainted by nostalgia, but still) but full sex didn't really get off the ground due to compatability issues with my petite frame ;). Sexy sexy man, and I turned him down for the rematch because my friend was staying over. Damn it.

3. He liked 'drum and bass' :). We met in a bar when I was living in Canada on an exchange program and he used to work at a coffee house. He smelled wonderful and he was tall, made of pure lean muscle because he was a kickboxer. We didn't have a relationship but we got along well and had sex a few times. I don't really know what happened to him, it just petered out. He was a gentle but very sexy lover. I felt looked after with him.

4. A Canadian. He wore dungarees. It happened (well kind of) once only - never again, it hurt and was awful and what the hell was I thinking. Yuck.

5. This happened in the Isle of Man! He waited on me at a pizza restaurant and I ended up sleeping with him for about a week, even choosing to stay an extra few days after my friends returned home! I felt really sexy with him and I can remember staring into his eyes as we did it on his sofa, but for some reason he never came even though we did it quite a few times. An interesting but quite dangerous character.

6. At a party. I had some Irish girlfriends and we got extremely drunk. I recall throwing up in the bathroom and being looked after by this man, then I remember being very sleepy and suddenly coming round in my friend's bed to realise he was penetrating me. Thank god he stopped as soon as I told him to, and thank god he used a condom. I could not get out of there fast enough. I was MORTIFIED. Poor guy, he was probably alright really.

7. The least attractive man I have ever slept with, but a real gent and so easy to get on with. We spent two nights together in my tent at V98. He was funny and lovely and had a large cock. He took things slow and liked to give pleasure. A snuggly sleeper too. I'll never forget wearing his hat all weekend! Sex in a tent? For winners I say!

8. My friend set me up on a blind date with him and we were together for almost 12 months. He was damaged emotionally but I didnt realise the extent until after we split up. Sexually, quite pedestrian as we only ever did it in bed or on the sofa. A nice guy, but had a massive chip on his shoulder and his friends never liked me.

7. Russ. I have to use his name because it is just so cool. He was older than me and divorced and we met in Newcastle. I was returning from a weekend in Amsterdam with my girlfriend and we went to the only club which was open on Easter Sunday and ended up tagging along with a stag party of about 20 guys. Good times. Later we went for a dirty weekend in Blackpool, which was wonderful until I got food poisoning from some dodgy prawns and threw up all night on the Sunday. A few months later he called me for a rematch but I had started seeing someone.

9. My fiance. I thought we deserved each other. We fought like cat and dog and I should have seen it earlier. I slept with him after our first date, I was drunk and I remember thinking 'I can't feel this' - my friends told me to dump him but I didn't want to be callous. We were together for about 5 years. He would not do oral but expected me to. On one occasion he had sex with me even though I told him to stop. It was horrible. Sexually, pretty poor.

10. A great lover at first and at the time I felt a huge emotional connection. We lived together for around 18 months. He had a very large penis and was very giving in bed, but ultimately not that good because he was so unresponsive when I took charge. He didn't seem to enjoy letting go, and at the end it just stopped happening completely.

11. Mr K. My most recent conquest, and quite possibly the best. Lovely, lovely, sexy, really sexy man. Hairy and very attractive. Beautiful brown eyes. A generous lover, gentle and giving. He has the best cock I have ever encountered! The perfect size and shape, not too long but a good girth. He knows about giving a woman pleasure in different ways, and he responded so well to my touches. I loved that he lifted his hips to heighten my pleasure when I was on top. Really considerate and passionate. His intensity totally surprised me. God I want to do him again!

So there we are. In the words of Carrie, 'more than the queen, but hopefully less than Madonna'.
Please! Now I think back to how it was with the casual guys, I can kind of see why Mr K is a bit scared that we might turn into a relationship. It certainly feels different to them, there is definitely something else there. Oh dear, I shall feel its a missed opportunity if he doesn't come back for seconds. Oh dear.

I'm left thinking i may have missed someone out. I sincerely hope not, 11 is bad enough!
Off to sleep now, probably to think about Mr K before I do. *sigh*
x

The beginning

Hello world.
Welcome to my blog.

Here I sit, with a cat curled up on my knee, and I ponder the universe.

Like many girls, a lot of my time is taken up with thinking about relationships. Sad I know, but let's face it, it is a bit of a cultural obsession, and anyone who says they don't think about it is quite frankly, lying through their teeth (or to themselves).

Why I did what I did...

Very recently I had an intense sexual experience which seems to have altered my consciousness and restarted my thinking about what it is that I want from my 'love' life. Just to fill you in, I have a relatively varied history when it comes to coupling, culminating in almost getting married in August 2006. That relationship ended after about 5 years because I left him, just three months before the big day. The relationship I went into almost straight away turned out to be (you guessed it) a bit of a 'rebound', although I still say to this day I would not have found the strength to leave my fiance if it hadn't happened the way it did. I still say that telling him it was over was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I have never once regretted it, not even for a minute because the day I walked out was the day I started to really live.

That makes me seem a little heartless doesn't it? Maybe that's what we have to be to survive sometimes. It's easy to look at the person who breaks the promises, who cheats, who lies, who leaves, and colour them the villain so that we can sit smugly back and say 'I would never do that', but the truth is we all would, because in many ways we are all the same. What the people who loved me could see was that when I broke his heart, I broke mine too and, I believe, saved us both from the torture of an unhappy union.

I certainly didn't know it then, but that fork in the road changed me forever, and I feel blessed that I woke up in time. I haven't ever regretted leaving, but I have wondered about, even mourned who I would have been if we had stayed together, and that is entirely different. Maybe I would have children now - maybe I would even want children? Because you see I never have. I look at the people around me and I truly see bringing babies into the world as a millstone around their necks. I know all the arguments, I do love children, and I know it sounds like I'm just saying this as an exercise in emotional self-preservation, but I can't help wondering how many willing parents are really just seeking to create another person to fill the void they feel in their hearts. In other words, to create another person whom they can love. I absolutely refuse to do that, now or ever.

We all have emotional pain. We all feel alone, because at the end of each day, when we close our eyes and turn out the light, when we think the last thoughts of the day, that's exactly what we are. Everything else is entirely transitory. The pain comes from running from that. Marianne Williamson says that the pain we feel is not due to the love that others withhold from us, but the love that we withhold from them. I fully believe that. I see so many people trying so hard to be happy by running from themselves, and I weep inside to see it because I know now that 'if we don't go within, we go without' (I borrowed that quote from CwG).

Over the last 12 months I have been single, and I have been travelling in another direction. I have been walking back to myself. I have been stripping away the illusions put forth by my ego and fuelled by fear, and now I am finallly starting to see who I am.

You find me standing in the sunshine and rubbing my eyes.
It is glorious and mesmerising, and I hope to share it with you.