What is going on?

Crap. Crap crap crap.
How the hell did I get back here?
There I was, feeling my power, gaining a foothold on some kind of normality then a week of illness and disappointment and I'm back again slap bang into checking my phone and email all the time, 'just in case'. It was my birthday on Wednesday and I was off sick. He messaged me three times to say happy birthday - I felt like asking if he wanted some kind of medal for remembering. No card though, nothing. He tried to chat to me online (again) but my friends were over so luckily I couldn't and he waited online for about three hours, ha. I hate this. I hate thinking about him and I hate the way my stupid sentimental heart edits the past and shines off the dirt. I missed him so much today I was actually almost sick. I have never been like this, never. What the hell is going on? How can I know so much in my head that everything we had was so wrong and yet still believe with such conviction that somehow it was right? I dont know the lies from the truth anymore, and that is a dangerous place to be with my mindset, newly 34 and looking forward with apprehension to a birthday party on Saturday at which I can only must 10 friends. I mean - 10. Hardly a rave is it. Hardly worth cooking at all! I expect I'll just get wasted and have a big cry and end up getting put to bed early whilst my best mates clear up. Then I'll wake up alone and miss him. Crap.

Wrote this last night:
The Healing

And so it begins.
The healing.

I forget to miss you every moment
I realise I haven’t cried all day
I smile and sing and laugh sometimes
I’m reminded of you and my heart doesn’t break

Friends smile and say I’m coming back
Back to how I used to be
Back to the person who didn’t hate you
Who believed anything was possible

I wake each morning and I’m no longer empty
I no longer wonder why I’m getting up at all
I face my day without resentment
Normality wraps me in its judgeless embrace

The days go on, and then the weeks
I forget to count how long since we talked
I sleep without dreaming
I live without feeling
Over and over I build my walls

But the quiet in me knows me better
Knows there is pain still to be accounted
Patiently it waits for me to stumble
To fall into the abyss once more

I’m running fast so it can’t catch me
So fast I’ve become invisible
My eyes on the road immediately before me
Never looking back

I play the game I know I’m playing
I take my role and smile through each scene
I know this drama, still repeating
Like a bad movie no-one wants to see


Day by day I fight the feeling
Hold the tears inside my cheeks
My heart is sewn in blanket stitches
I keep on buying time

I feel the hope which burns inside me
I cannot tell for good or ill
Wrap up my heart still undecided
And pack away my dreams

But my heart keeps beating
With a longing so loud its all I can hear
And my soul keeps listening
Praying for the love to drive out my fear
In my mind I’m flying
Carving out a new path for my life to take
Whilst inside I’m still learning
Teaching myself with every drop of pain

And so it begins.
The healing.

I wonder if I'll ever be the same again. Scratch that - I know I wont.
Oh and add to that I dont think Sean is talking to me. Marvellous.
Worringly, I am beginning to get used to being this miserable.