Here we go again...

Well I know I am still moving, still growing, still learning and enjoying the ride exactly as it is - but in some ways I feel like I am going backwards. There is still a wedding packed away in my cupboard that I have not yet had the strength to deal with, and suddenly a good friend of mine is planning a very similar day to the one we were going to have. I don't regret not going through with it, not for one minute, but sentimentality remains nonetheless. It's like people leave their mark on you, and nostalgia has a way of warming the memories and making you appreciate those moments much more than they ever really deserved. I actually tried my outfit on the other day, and I was fine until I found an old birthday card where my ex called me princess. I have no memory of that, none. It's strange how powerful a filter perspective can be. There I was, sat on the floor in my hallway, weeping as I wonder how love gets so wasted. Feeling all of a sudden that maybe I don't know myself at all if I am the kind of person who is capable of rejecting such love, not once, but time and time again. It's easy to feed yourself the lies about how it wasn't good enough and how it was their fault, but deep down you know that you have to take responsibility at some point for the hurt you have allowed yourself to be a part of, that you have caused, even. So here I am, holding myself up to the light and trying to forgive what I see within. I am left wondering if I can believe myself when I say how happy I am and how I don't want another relationship. I am second guessing my rock-solid ideas about my future and the way I am 'built'. I am wondering if actually I am making all the same mistakes again and just viewing it all with rose coloured glasses.

Then I remember. I remember that there is no reality, only perception. I remember that the past doesn't exist and there is only the now. I remember that I am who I am being, not who I have been and that the past has no hold on me. I remember that I make the weather in my life and I open my eyes to the love which is all around me. I thank the stars for the incredible people in my life and the ways in which they show me every day, moment by moment how to live more, to give more, to love more. I remember that loneliness is an illusion and that by letting myself feel it, try it on for a moment I have given myself the means to see through it and walk on.

I smile and my heart is once again filled with love.
xxx

And so it goes...

I shouldn't be doing this because I have a million 'real-world' things that I should be doing right now, but sometimes you just know that life has to come first. Off the back of another alcohol-fuelled haze of a weekend I feel emotionally wrung dry. Literally - I have wanted to cry so badly over the last few days but my heart just wont let go becuase I have so many other important things to do. Even when I did cry a little on Sunday it was measured somehow, and I felt unsatisfied. Its like I didn't want to give in to it because I have no reason to be sad, I mean my life is going well and I am happier than ever, so what is this feeling? I can't work out if its my ego's desire for drama or if its just part of the natural ebb and flow as I process what is happening in and around me. I'm convinced I don't need to cry because I am not unhappy, but still there is this need to feel it, to let something in so I can pass through it. I just wish I could know what it is.

I wrote a poem last night, well I should say very early this morning. It's strange how your perception changes, sometimes very quickly. The wheels turn and I recalibrate my heart time and time again. The principles I stick to remain firm: I will not give in to fear, I will not restrict my love, I will not let myself doubt in my own magnificence. I know that sounds a bit arrogant but it really isn't - by seeing my true self as wonderful I find the strength to put what it is that I am out there into the world day after day without fear. It seems that finally all my hard work is paying off - people are complimenting me all the time and I feel everything so much more. The lows are not so low and the highs are, well, incredible. I feel blessed in everything I do, and it feels like I have found my path. Sometimes my heart is so full I feel like I could burst. I cannot believe I waited so long to let myself feel this. I feel almost reborn.

xxx

What's it all about?

The more I live, the more I learn and the less I worry.
Worry is the work of the ego. It is never constructive and often creates drama where there should be calm contemplation. I am learning every day about what it is to be human and to live amongst the world.

Someone who knows me said they loved me today, just at random as I passed by. I have to admit, it was a shock, not because I thought it was out of place, inappropriate or even untrue, but simply because people don't say it, at least not often. Love has become relegated to rosy words on cardboard which we send once a year. Love has a bad press, we say it hurts, it never runs smooth, it takes work. It's almost as if we have elevated it to such a status that we all feel unworthy of it and are suspicious of people who claim to feel it or understand it.

I think the problem is not love, but our definition of what love is that is the problem.

The word love tends to be only applied to romantic relationships, and in the context of a relationship with one person. I believe that by doing this we not only restrict our ideas about love, but we shackle it and miss its true majesty. What others call love I would call 'specialness'. Our egos thrive on specialness, on exclusion. In other words we feel better about ourselves, and it numbs the pain we feel if we can believe, even for a moment, that someone out there is raising us up above other people because we are somehow more special to them. But the act of doing so, by definition, puts others down. The love I believe in would never do that. We are substituting this singling out for the true feeling of love because it seems to be the only way to assuage our insecurities. Worse still, this idea of love leaves us open to fear - fear that it isn't real, fear that we will lose it somehow, fear that we are not worthy of it, fear that we will end up alone, and without love. We seem to relish in the self-deprecation which this idea perpetuates, and our egos feed off it. The problem with that is that as our ego grows, our true self loses focus and our perception of it is increasingly diminished.

So let's start again with our definition of love.
Let's reclaim the word and redefine what true love is.

Love:
- never favours any one person over another, it is INclusive rather than EXclusive
- is forgetful of the mistakes of others and it gives us the power to truly forgive
- is freedom, it never restricts but blesses what it sees
- is for everyone, in every situation, everywhere
- sees through the ego, cuts through fear and sees only the true self
- is the ultimate healer of our pain

If we are to heal ourselves, our nations, our world, we must start with our own hearts.
We must shift the focus. Instead of seeking perpetually to 'get' or be given love, we must learn to give it, at all times and in all circumstances. Only then will we start to truly understand our place in this world, and the love we give will be returned to us, multiplied beyond our wildest imaginings.

Think about it. What does love mean to you?