And so it goes...

I shouldn't be doing this because I have a million 'real-world' things that I should be doing right now, but sometimes you just know that life has to come first. Off the back of another alcohol-fuelled haze of a weekend I feel emotionally wrung dry. Literally - I have wanted to cry so badly over the last few days but my heart just wont let go becuase I have so many other important things to do. Even when I did cry a little on Sunday it was measured somehow, and I felt unsatisfied. Its like I didn't want to give in to it because I have no reason to be sad, I mean my life is going well and I am happier than ever, so what is this feeling? I can't work out if its my ego's desire for drama or if its just part of the natural ebb and flow as I process what is happening in and around me. I'm convinced I don't need to cry because I am not unhappy, but still there is this need to feel it, to let something in so I can pass through it. I just wish I could know what it is.

I wrote a poem last night, well I should say very early this morning. It's strange how your perception changes, sometimes very quickly. The wheels turn and I recalibrate my heart time and time again. The principles I stick to remain firm: I will not give in to fear, I will not restrict my love, I will not let myself doubt in my own magnificence. I know that sounds a bit arrogant but it really isn't - by seeing my true self as wonderful I find the strength to put what it is that I am out there into the world day after day without fear. It seems that finally all my hard work is paying off - people are complimenting me all the time and I feel everything so much more. The lows are not so low and the highs are, well, incredible. I feel blessed in everything I do, and it feels like I have found my path. Sometimes my heart is so full I feel like I could burst. I cannot believe I waited so long to let myself feel this. I feel almost reborn.

xxx