Here we go again...

Well I know I am still moving, still growing, still learning and enjoying the ride exactly as it is - but in some ways I feel like I am going backwards. There is still a wedding packed away in my cupboard that I have not yet had the strength to deal with, and suddenly a good friend of mine is planning a very similar day to the one we were going to have. I don't regret not going through with it, not for one minute, but sentimentality remains nonetheless. It's like people leave their mark on you, and nostalgia has a way of warming the memories and making you appreciate those moments much more than they ever really deserved. I actually tried my outfit on the other day, and I was fine until I found an old birthday card where my ex called me princess. I have no memory of that, none. It's strange how powerful a filter perspective can be. There I was, sat on the floor in my hallway, weeping as I wonder how love gets so wasted. Feeling all of a sudden that maybe I don't know myself at all if I am the kind of person who is capable of rejecting such love, not once, but time and time again. It's easy to feed yourself the lies about how it wasn't good enough and how it was their fault, but deep down you know that you have to take responsibility at some point for the hurt you have allowed yourself to be a part of, that you have caused, even. So here I am, holding myself up to the light and trying to forgive what I see within. I am left wondering if I can believe myself when I say how happy I am and how I don't want another relationship. I am second guessing my rock-solid ideas about my future and the way I am 'built'. I am wondering if actually I am making all the same mistakes again and just viewing it all with rose coloured glasses.

Then I remember. I remember that there is no reality, only perception. I remember that the past doesn't exist and there is only the now. I remember that I am who I am being, not who I have been and that the past has no hold on me. I remember that I make the weather in my life and I open my eyes to the love which is all around me. I thank the stars for the incredible people in my life and the ways in which they show me every day, moment by moment how to live more, to give more, to love more. I remember that loneliness is an illusion and that by letting myself feel it, try it on for a moment I have given myself the means to see through it and walk on.

I smile and my heart is once again filled with love.
xxx