After a day full of highs...

Here come the lows. Doubt is a strange thing, and whenever we put ourselves out there, which lets face it we need to do more of if we are to live fully, we make room for doubt to seed itself in our minds. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and right now I am feeling the other side of the emotional coin. Probably its tiredness, possibly its because of what I have put my senses through today and definitely its because of the emotional noise going on in my life right now. So how am I feeling? Melancholic - intermittently. Sad - sometimes. Weary - often, and recently, though I hate to admit it, a touch lonely. Over the last year I have mounted a campaign in my life to love more, to be more present in the lives of those I care about, to forgive others (and importantly, myself) to always see the good, and to remain positive at all times. And it has been great - but just like the rollercoasters I have ridden today there has to be some down for all the ups. In opening up and presenting my soul without agenda I suddenly feel extremely vulnerable and I am second guessing the people I love because there is still a voice in my head telling me all that I trust and believe in could easily be a house of cards. A simple and meaningless act, word or even omission sends me into a tailspin of self-depreciation because try as I might, I have been unable to change my default feeling about myself, and when I am challenged it is just too easy, too familiar to jump back into my old mindset. I try not to feel hurt, but hurt is hurt no matter the intention, and my old behaviours act like a magnifying glass, blowing everything up so much that suddenly I cant see the wood for the trees. Then after the doubt, that acorn which threatens to spawn a mighty oak, there comes the worry. Worry about the future, about the past, about the present. Worry about how I feel, who I am, what I want, even what I stand for. Worry that I've got it all wrong. Worry that I care in vain. Worry that what I see as progress is actually illusion. Worry that I am walking a road which will lead to emptiness. Worry that actually everyone in the room of my life is waiting for this dull party to be over so they can leave, one by one.

It is difficult to know people, even harder to really trust them, and I suppose that is where faith comes in. I'm beginning to believe that actually faith is all we can ever have, since the only reality is perception. I even wonder if faith actually creates perception, and thus our reality. So the real question I should be asking myself is what, or who do I actually believe in? Aside from wondering why I feel the need to audit, almost spring clean my emotions, I can't help wishing I knew more. The rational side of me wishes I could open people up and see what they are thinking, but the truth is that hearts and souls are far from rational entities. The thoughts and feelings of others wax and wane like emotional tides, and just like the shoreline the shapes of our relationships evolve slowly, grain by grain. This is the wheel of life and there is no escaping it. My own emotions are clearly no exception, and the fear arises when I can't see the reciprocity - when my tide is in whilst others' are out. I don't feel jealousy, but I worry that I will. Gradually as the sand shifts and my position changes there is a sense of mild panic that at some point I will really have to move, reevaluate, even start all over. Back to the emotional house of cards. I see the process and I understand that I am helpless to stop it. It seems the best that I can do is enjoy every moment for just what it is, whilst continuing to be exactly who I am being. I am not a constant and so I should not hope and wish for others to be either. So I must keep walking, and stay on the path I know to be mine, regardless of who walks beside, who arrives, who leaves, who stays, who places a handprint on my heart. I used to think that relationships which are no longer in existence were like loose ends - now I am beginning to see that they are the very threads from which the tapestry of my life is woven. I am proud and blessed that when I look back, most of what I see is truly beautiful, as long as I choose to judge it so. The trick is applying this to the future, as incomplete and unmapped as it is. I must choose to believe that whatever I keep, whatever I lose, I will go on creating and I will call it beautiful simply because it is mine.

xxx